Of Mice and Meals

So since my last post not a lot has happened, but its felt like a lot has happened. Number one i got discharged from the hospital only after the most embarrassing incident that hospital has ever seen happened. I'm not sure if i can even talk about it cus its gross, its bad, and its all around not something anyone wants to hear. So i got home around 11pm on the night of the 24, No real pain... The dr was very impressed because i was so motivated to get out of there i didn't push my pain button at all.... from what i heard pain meds slow things down that you need functioning. anyway, that night laid in my bed and it felt so uncomfortable, i do what i would have done pre op, which is get up and look in the fridge... Sure enough, theres nothing in there, that i was prepared for... The cabinet however i wasnt... So i look in the cabinet/pantry/big door that holds food for kitchen and im almost in tears because this pantry is stocked with the things i can consume... My chicken broth, waters, crystal lights, the little mio things, jell-o, and a post it that says "sugar free Popsicle's in the freezer." So im beaming! YES MY FAMILY CARES! but b4 i close the pantry door i hear something scuffling around it there so im looking around and dont see anything... So right as im about to close the door again a FREAKING FIELD MOUSE comes flying out if a ritz cracker box and hides behind our george forman grill. The girl in me that i so rarely show bubbled to the surface, i scream, turn to run, slip on a onion peel, trip, and land on my stomach in a chair...Everyone comes running down, the wind is completely knocked out of me... Im gasping for air, and trying to check and make sure i didn't rip any stitches. Everything seemed fine. So we trap the mouse in there and in the morning head to home depot, but 1000 sticky traps and put them everywhere then we build a perimeter from the pantry to the back yard door so that if he does run he can go out the door. so we are waiting for him for a while, and in all the excitement i completely for got to weigh myself. the scale reads 231 pounds. which is 11 lbs down since the date of surgery... WHAT! i dont have time to jump for joy there screams from down stairs, i grab the camera run downstairs only to fin the mouse has evaded us. we all give up and go to bed. The next day, today, my good mood about food and making it on this damned liquid diet for another week is pretty much gone. Im starving, and theres not enough liquid, or protein powder you can pour down my throat to stop me from craving chinese food. Dinner time roles around, and although im starving ive made it another day on 64oz of liquid. guess what mom brings home for dinner... CHINESE FOOD! OH Hell NO! now what am i supposed to do... so  i take a nap... Just woke up, walked down stairs and what do i find other than a dead mouse caught in a trap... I cant help but compare his mouse trap, to my mouse trap... cus eventually were both gonna die of starvation!

3 days down.

3 days later, im still in the hospital, walking, drinking and walking some more. im supposed to ge getting discharged today if i can just keep all of my fluids down... that may be hard. today they brought me two cups of water, 2 packs of the nectar protein powder, some chicken broth and a sf jello. Somehow i made it through the broth and 1 cuo of protein infused water but i don't think i can get much more than that down right now.... this sucks cus i wanna go home, but i cant force this stuff down my throat either, what to do what to do!

starting my video blog

getting nervous

Ive been known to put up a wall between myself and my feelings, but i was told that writing things down could help give me insight into what im thinking and feeling when words decieve me. So thats why i started this whole bloggedy thing. I dont really care who does or doesnt read it, its just a way to help me understand myself a little better. With that being said, 3 months ago i definitley wouldnt have been able to say this out loud, or publish it online, but i really think that im starting to get scared. I'm my own worst enemy right now, because all of the research, videos, and blogs that ive looked at to prepare myself have given me great information, but my thoughts keep turning to... what if something goes wrong? what if there are complications, what if what if what if.... Maybe its just the stress of surgery, and school starting on monday... but im terribly nervous. I want to say that im strong, to keep everyone else from worrying about me, but i cant let my fears go long enough to do that. I cant turn back now, So i just have to believe that there is a guardian angel sitting on my shoulder to lead me through this... a little over 3 days left, i hope i get it together soon.

I made it to pre op!

So I'm here! made it to Tennessee for pre op testing, which means the count down to surgery has begun! In exactly 2 weeks I'll be in surgery on my way to a healthier, happier, more fulfilling life! I feel really comfortable with my surgeon, the hospital and everything plus I'll have about 2/3 of my huge family with me to keep me strong. Really right now I'm just thanking God for this blessing. Now I'm gonna go gush To my Facebook family!

2 weeks and 2 days left!

So I'm about 2 weeks away from surgery and I'm so excited. my pre op visit is set for Monday the 8th and i guess that's when i start my two week diet... I actually had my first skinny dream a couple of days ago, i was on a beach in my normal attire a tankini and a mumu like cover up dress that zipped up the front to hide myself. My best friend was with me (she weighs about as much as handful of quarters) and she kept begging me to take off my cover up and swim with her. in my dream I'm thinking Hell No lol. so she unzips it and rips it off me and i start sprinting to the bathroom. Got there looked in the mirror and everything was... smaller lol.... i was actually OK with wearing my bathing suit at a public beach... Ive been smiling ever since i had that dream. I've never felt i was missing out on much when it came to the fun of youth, i was always OK when my sisters would go to a club or a party without me, but now I'm starting to think that was my mind tricking me into being a hermit crap so that i could hide without thinking much of it. one thing i am having a problem with now is nerves. I don't think I'm nervous, really I'm just feeling excited, but underneath all my layers of denial my body is giving me sign that i really am nervous. All of a sudden my stomach is really weak, i want to sleep all the time, and i keep getting these random spats of my arms and legs going numb. My hands start to shake bad at night. i don't know if this is anxiety or if this is something actually happening to me. (Warning: Girly things are about to be talked about). because of my P.C.O.S (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) i probably have a cycle every 4-6 months. My OB says its likely  that i wont ever have children and that never really effected me either until now. I know I'm just spewing random things at this point but these are the thing that have been weighing heavy (no pun intended) on my mind. Anyway, i guess only time will tell, but i still cant wait! Until next time!

OMG OMG OMG Im Crying

Oh gosh im cryin all over the place. so since my last update a lot has happened, i was approved for surgery oh happy day, then they told me that they cancelled my insurance (again) why? because my mom (who im covered under) left her job for another position in the climax of the whole process. Yes, she did… so for the last month or so ive been working my ass off to pay COBRA. about 900$/month. can we all say painful. Ive been sick with worry the whole time, and finally i told myself you just half to let go, and give it to GOD. On July 8th i called my insurance company to see if my benefits were reinstated, and oh my scott the were! i called the doctor and immediatly gave them the new insurance information. Not even one week later, July 13th i call united health care again to check on the status of my approval number…. and holy moly Im approved again! GREAT SCOTT this is moving fast. So, i call my docs office again, tell them im approved and now…. IM SCHEDULED!!! MY SURGERY DATE IS AUGUST 22ND, I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR PREOP AUGUST 8TH AND OMG I CAN BELIEVE IT! I have been through the ringer on this one, but finally i got it done. My birthday is coming up and im going to deem this a birthday present to myself. Stay tuned for pre op info on august 8th!

Finally! A Stroke of LUCK

so! guess what happened today, I GOT APPROVAL FOR SURGERY. that was hella fast! im not even supposed to know yet, but ants in the pants Renee had to call the doctors office to "tell them something"  **wink wink**... and she says, well that doesnt matter, you were already approved! HOORRRAAAAYYYYY.... so, whats next? i have no fricking clue... i went through all the trials and tribulations of the past 6 months and i,  had not one question... but now that the office is closed until tuesday im thinking of a million things i havent asked... im just gonna do a happy dance today though, because i worked extremly hard on something and it paid off for once! Hell Yea, so i guess i can start weighing and giving measurments just like all the cool blogs LOL... GOODNIGHT ANY UNLUCKY PERSON READING THIS.... 12 hour drive in exactly T - 3 hours.... PEACE!

Is this a sign?

So, im wondering if some almighty power is trying to tell me something, yet another set back today... i guess they make it hard for a reason. My Psych eval doctor just called to tell me that the 2 hour test to make sure I'm not crazy (or bulimic, anorexic, a murderer, or suicidal) is off! apparently hes charging 1020.00$ for it and insurance only cover about 225$ sooo.... that's a no, I'm sorry sir but I'm not gonna pay you a billion dollars to put me through strenuous testing for 3 hours!!! So, instead I'm hoping in my car driving all the way to Tennessee (AGAIN) to take the test there, where it only cost 250$ still not covered by insurance but way better than the alternative... My appointment is on the 24th i probably wont be saying to much until that's over, so again... Wish me luck!

P.S. Value options insurance SUCKS!

So Im Kind Of Feeling Stupid

When i first started this, i had my heart set on lap band... I knew the band was for me, all i heard was rave review... i was like skip the support groups and authorization, BAND ME NOW! but Ive come to realize weight loss surgery is no joke... i was just looking through my book that the surgeons office so generously supplied and i must say, i stopped loving the band, and started looking into the bypass. At the support groups, the more people i heard talking about the band, the more afraid of it i got. Now my mother is an APN, shes seen almost all the medical crap you can throw at her, so when i first told her i wanted to get the band she was hesitant, but when i started leaning to bypass she said flat out NO! the more i research and look into it, the more i want the bypass... so now i think Ive finally made my decision, but i feel really stupid for changing my mind so suddenly... I really wanted to be a band girl, but i guess WLS is a truly personal decision that you have to make for yourself and yourself alone... now all i have to do is convince my mom.... wish me luck there...

You Know What I Miss...

about being slim? SHOPPING! Why did it become a thing of nightmares suddenly...

i used to be able to go in Charlotte Russe, Wet Seal, and Forever 21 without a problem, i didn't have to hide my face in shame... Now when i go in there, its for shoes and accessories and the people working there no it... I feel like a silent alarm goes off every time i enter a store that isn't Ashley Stewart or Lane Bryant! My new years resolution this upcoming year is to make 2011 my enemy and 2012 my new best friend, but since we are still in 2011... I'm going to live in the past one more day with this blog... then after this, i swear no more old pictures of what i used to look like thinner, no more crying about how it happened, none of that... you know what else is bothersome though? I got an adorable pink guitar from my little sister last Christmas, and haven't been able to play it, because my fingers are too fat! lol oh well... here i come 2012!

Finally A Surgery Update!

ok so originally this page was all about surgery and so on but lately there hasn’t really been much headway with the surgery to comment on. Sooooo…. Finally, I have finished my 3 month preparatory stage! Yea! i had to drive out to Tennessean yesterday for a stupid 10 minute appointment, BUT! the point is i did it and its over! Hooray, just one more regular doctors appointment and BAM! Im ready to go! Im not sure if anybody reads this but if you do whether pre op or post op, i hope i can help =)

GIMME MY DAMN BAND ALREADY!

254.6

ok, its been a while, but not too long... I may just be frustrated and venting, but im frustrated, so im venting...

So, my 1st appointment with the Grand Ol' Doctors Was SUPPOSED to be January 18th... didn't happen... WHY WHY WHY! My insurance company decided to "TERM ME"... I'm like "what ever do u mean?" well they meant that they canceled my insurance without telling me for a stupid reason just to set me back a few more weeks! Grrrrrrr, oh well... I'll try again for February. the most terrible part about it is, i just got on the scale since i came back from my carribean cruise and that scale had the nerve to tell me 254.6! at this rate, by the time i get the surgery i may be beating down the 300 door...I hate too complain, but its hard not too... Positivity will radiate from me, as soon as i get to this first appointment... Until then, i feel like Blah! JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN BAND! I'LL PUT IT IN MYSELF! LOL

May: 239

August: 244

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!! Yea... i know i'm late... I actually spent my new year sleep, like i have done every year since high school... I guess this year it kind of clicked to me. I dont want to go out, because i dont want anyone to see me... Im 23 and im missing out on some of the best years of my life because i dont want to be seen at 249 pounds.. well, 2011 is officially the year to end that. whether it be through lap band or not, this is the year for changes in my life... I dont want to be 45 and look back at my twenty's and say, it was void of anything... i want to be able to look back and say i enjoyed my life, i want to tell my kids one day that i was cool once! like my mom does me (whether they believe me or not is a different story)... point is, on the road that im on now, i wont get that... So its time for a serious change that isnt just about weight, its also about how i perceive myself and everything around me... So Wish me luck, and i wish you a truly Happy New Year...

Quote of the Day: "He who starts the road decides where it ends".. don't know who said it, but i read it in beautiful darkness... =)